Sunday, October 16, 2011

My Child Died Today

I lost my child today
People came to weep and cry
as I just sat and stared, dry eyed
They struggled to find words to say
to try and make the pain go away
I walked the floor in disbelief
I lost my child today.
I lost my child last month
Most of the people went away
Some still call and some still stay
I wait to wake up from this dream
This can't be real, I want to scream
Yet everything is locked inside
God, help me, I want to die
I lost my child last month.
I lost my child last year
Now people who had came, have gone
I sit and struggle all day long
to bear the pain so deep inside
And now my friends just question Why?
Why does this mother not move on?
Just sits and sings the same old song
Good heavens, it has been so long
I lost my child last year.
Time has not moved on for me
The numbness it has disappeared
My eyes have now cried many tears
I see the look upon your face
"She must move on and leave this place"
Yet I am trapped right here in time
The song’s the same, as is the rhyme
I lost my
--Netta Wilson, written in memory of her daughter Caprice Cara Wilson, who was killed in an auto accident (December 2, 1968 - November 20, 1994). Printed in the newsletter of The Compassionate Friends, Atlanta, May-June 2001

It has been one year since we lost our Natalie Evelyn. Intellectually I know this time has passed. I sit here with a 6 week old son, so clearly she did not die last week. Yet my concept of time is convoluted. All at once she was just here yesterday and gone for an eternity.
There is so much I want to say but the words just aren’t coming. I miss her. I miss her in a way that can break me in a thousand pieces. I am still learning how to live with this loss. Learning how to move myself and my family through unspeakable pain and towards more solid ground again.
I wish I had beautiful things to say here about grief and loss. I wish I had some wonderful philosophy that has pulled me through and tied a nice neat bow on the experience. I just don’t. A year is just not enough time to adjust to living without a person you hoped to have a lifetime with. I am still finding my way here and imagine that will be the case for some time.
We have had difficulty trying to plan a way to mark this one year anniversary. Her birthday was easier in a way-it marked her entry into the world and was something to be celebrated. This, though, is so very different. Facing those memories is so intense and leaves us wrung out. We have learned that there are times in which we grieve better privately, but still think of all those who love Natty right along with us.
If you would like to help us remember Natty, it would mean so much if you would consider performing a random act of kindness with her in mind to mark this anniversary. I would love if some happiness could go out into the world at a time when we are filled with so much pain. I think of how much light Natters brought to the world and how much more I know she would have blessed us with if she could have stayed. I suppose this would be a way to bring some of the brightness back.
Thank you so much for being here and caring about our sweet baby girl. Thank you for knowing Natalie.


  1. Sending all my love to you, Annie, Steve and the brightest angel in all of heaven.

  2. I'll be remembering Natalie all day today, as I do often times. She inspires so many of us. We love you.

  3. I love and miss Natalie. Sending big hugs to all of you.

  4. Thinking of you and your family today.

  5. What a beautiful post... you always write straight from the heart. I am excited to let my "random act" present itself to me today!

    I know Natalie. I'm sending love and prayers for her family who miss her terribly while they cherish her sweet memory!

  6. I know Natalie and miss her!

    We'll be honored to celebrate and remember her today.

  7. I know Natalie. Thoughts and prayers.

  8. Natalie has such a special place in my heart, as do you. As you know, she and Timmy were born on the same day and she became an angel the day before my birthday. She is not only known to us now but could never possibly be forgotten. Love and peace to you all.

  9. Jennifer, I think of you and Natalie often. I will never forget her for you both touched my heart in sharing through your blog. It just isn't fair mama; I'm sorry.

    Congratulations on your baby boy, he is beautiful.


  10. I know Natalie and thought of you and her today!

  11. I just found your blog today from a signature on babycenter, my name is Natalie... and so I was of course inclined to click on the link.

    I just finished reading all of your posts. You are an amazing mother and I am proud to say that I now know Natalie.